a long road ahead

Alexander's eyes remained fixed on Lily, his heart heavy with an unfamiliar worry. The depth of his concern for her well-being was something he had never experienced before. The memory of causing her distress in the past haunted him, amplifying his desire to mend any possible rift between them. Now, a gnawing suspicion gnawed at him, hinting that she held secrets within. Despite his genuine concern, he felt ill-equipped to address the matter, unsure of how to approach it delicately.

With a subdued sigh, he offered a half-hearted shrug, his voice tinged with resignation. "I suppose you're right," he admitted. "But the truth is, I don't want to. The thought of leaving would only exacerbate the overwhelming sense of loneliness. Staying here, at least, offers a shred of familiarity amidst the quiet." As he spoke, a mix of vulnerability and longing lingered in his words, silently yearning for a deeper connection with Lily, yet unsure of how to bridge the growing divide.

It was a strange moment of clarity, the two of them confined to their beds, completely equalized by the quiet of life. Alex didn’t even realize how equal they were in that moment, their veins coursing with the same curse. Not that she could tell him. It was the first time she had ever even considered it.

She knew it was hypocritical to encourage him towards Mungo’s, considering she had not gone. It would be a scandal if it ever came out, one of the biggest names in the wizarding world hiding her condition as a werewolf, whilst her parents and brother had proclaimed equal rights for werewolves and their rights to live their lives openly. But Lily was young. And she was scared. And now the lie was her life.

But Alex could go a better way. Not only because he was older than she had been but because… she believed he could.

His explanation hung between them for a moment as she considered. “I know,” she said, her voice a bit too empathetic, a bit too understanding. “But if you were bitten… that means you’re a…”

The word was too big, she couldn't say it.

“Either way, you probably should,” she finished lamely, sounding much more like a concerned teacher than she wanted. It certainly didn’t reveal the depth of her feeling.

Alexander gazed at the ceiling above him, his thoughts wandering. The healers at the school were just as skilled as those at St. Mungo's. Did it truly matter where he received treatment? Breaking the silence, he finally spoke, questioning the distinction. "What's the difference between being here or there? I could lie in a bed, staring at a ceiling, perhaps sharing the room with a stranger. Alternatively, I could lie in a bed, gaze at the ceiling, and maybe have a conversation with someone familiar. That is, if they aren't still upset with me."

She wondered how weird it was just how much she knew about the difference a Mungo’s treatment could get him. Was it plausible that she knew based only on her connection to the famous Remus Lupin?

“Well, they’ll help process you into the registry. I imagine the nursing staff here have to report anyway, but you’ll get set up with resources. You know, a supply of Wolfsbane, help planning your full moons, all of that.” All of the things she had just sort of figured out on her own or relied on Teddy to help her with.

But his real concern clearly was the solitude of it all. The more she got to know Alexander, the more she understood that was really what he feared most.

After a pause, she addressed that last concern of his in a soft voice. “No, they aren't still upset.”

As Alex listened to Lily's words, a mixture of emotions stirred within him. “A healer is a healer, Lily.” he shrugged in response, “They are all just about the same.” The mention of a healer didn't hold much significance for him, as he had grown accustomed to navigating life on his own, without relying on others. Yet, there was a flicker of curiosity regarding her assistance with planning the full moons. However, the thought of figuring it out by himself, even if it meant making mistakes, didn't daunt him. After all, he had grown used to solitude, finding solace in his own self-sufficiency.

In the ensuing silence, his mind wandered to Lily's response, and a wave of gratitude washed over him.To hear that she wasn't upset with him, despite his recent actions, brought a glimmer of warmth to his usually guarded heart. “I’m glad to hear that.”

A small smile tugged at the corners of Alex's lips as he looked at Lily. The potions room had been his sanctuary, a place where he could immerse himself in the mysteries of potions, but it had also been a lonely space. Her presence and acceptance made it feel less desolate, as if a ray of sunlight had pierced through the shadows of his past.

While he may have lacked the social and emotional education that others had received, the gratitude he felt in that moment was genuine. Lily's forgiveness resonated deeply within him, offering a glimmer of hope that perhaps he wasn't as alone as he had always believed.

He didn’t understand. Everything changed from here. It wasn’t just the week of healing from the bite itself, it was all of the changes that happened alongside. She didn’t know if he’d been bit full-transformation, and it wasn’t the kind of thing a general Healer could ascertain. She knew they had a department at Mungo’s related to creature attacks. Alexander didn’t have the support she did, he needed the help only St. Mungo’s could give.

She started to argue when he expressed his gratitude at her reassurance, a small smile fleeting onto his lips. It was one of the most genuine looks she had seen on his face and it stopped the words dead in her throat. Part of her wanted to stop right then and there and allow him the moment. And in any other circumstance, she might have just done that.

But this was a trigger topic.

“There are creature-specific healers,” she persevered. “If you were bitten in full form, you’re going to need care beyond today. And if you weren’t, they can try to mitigate any of the side effects. It’s…” She paused. “I’m not trying to freak you out, but this is a big deal, Alex.”

With an air of confidence masking his underlying vulnerability, Alex spoke with a sense of assurance that stemmed from his self-reliance. He acknowledged the significance of the situation but remained unfazed by the potential outcomes. "I'm a big boy, Lily," he stated, his voice laced with a hint of maturity beyond his years. "I've been taking care of myself for a long time. Whatever happens next, I won't fight it."

While there had been adults in his life, fleeting figures who came and went, Alex couldn't deny the absence of someone who had truly been there for him when he needed it most. He yearned for unwavering care and support, but he wasn't willing to start depending on a stranger he had encountered solely due to yet another mistake. The scars of past disappointments still lingered, shaping his guarded demeanor and cautious approach to forming attachments.

Amidst his desire for genuine connection, Alex remained steadfast in his resolve to rely on himself. He had grown accustomed to carrying his own burdens, finding solace in his independence. The thought of depending on others, even in the face of uncertainty, seemed foreign and uncharted territory.

As he uttered those words, a mixture of determination and apprehension flickered in Alex's eyes. He had learned to navigate life on his own terms, but deep down, a part of him yearned for the unwavering presence of someone who would truly be there for him. Whether he would allow himself to trust in such a bond, however, remained uncertain.

He spoke with certainty but his eyes betrayed him. Lily once again felt her heart reaching out to him, despite her own attempts to keep her feelings uninvolved and detached. She was too much of a mess to worry about anyone else’s messy state. But she was beginning to understand the complicated Slytherin boy, could see some of her own pain within his. The fact that they now shared a curse, it was almost a sign. But for what?

She pushed herself up on the bed, ignoring the straining of her muscles, only the smallest of winces revealing the soreness and hollowness that remained after her transformation.

“Listen,” she said, her voice soft and teeming with an understanding that came from experience. “Just because you’ve done everything on your own, doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it that way. Life has been hard and unfair. Let yourself get taken care of.” Against her will, her face filled with an earnestness. “You deserve it.”

With a careful motion, Alex propped himself up into a sitting position, his gaze fixed on Lily. His concern, though veiled, was evident as he observed her movements, noting the soreness that seemed to accompany each deliberate motion. It was clear to him that there was more to Lily's presence in the bed next to him than she was revealing. Still, he tried to conceal his worry, masking it behind a composed expression.

As Lily spoke, Alex found her words difficult to fully embrace. Although he recognized the unfair treatment he had received from his own parents, he couldn't help but acknowledge his own transgressions. He had acted out, both at home and at the school, and the consequences had come as a result of his own choices. A tinge of self-blame colored his voice as he responded, his tone weighted with remorse.

"You're right, Lily. I do deserve to face the consequences of my actions," he admitted, his gaze shifting downward momentarily before meeting hers again. "I'm the one who ventured out there, knowing the risks. This is my fault, and I can't expect someone to take care of me because of my own mistakes."

His words carried a hint of self-deprecation, a reflection of his belief that he deserved the hardships he now faced. Despite the pain and discomfort, he felt, both physically and emotionally, Alex was determined to accept responsibility for his choices. He didn't want to burden others with the consequences of his own actions, even if it meant enduring the repercussions alone. "This is something I need to do alone."

As she realized the direction of his thoughts, she tried (uncharacteristically) to interrupt him, to cut off that self destructive spiral before it began with a soft but firm, “That’s not what I meant-” But he continued on.

She had wanted him to change and to take responsibility. She had told him as much. The idea that he thought this was an appropriate punishment was upsetting. The idea that he thought she might agree, and that this was at all what she had wanted, was intolerable.

Emotion colored her face, patches of red on her cheeks as her skin went even more pale. “That isn’t what I meant,” she repeated, her voice quivering as she tried to tamper her emotions. “That’s illogical, to punish yourself. You did not deserve to be attacked, no one does. You do deserve to get the best treatment. Your life will already be changed forever, why make it worse?”