limping from the aftermath

He’d now heard both accounts. Teddy, with all that counseling, knew better than most that you could hold two contradictory things and give them both some validity. Alexander viewed this as well-intentioned apology that was rejected, and a rise to anger. Maddie saw it as more of the same, Alexander ignoring her boundaries.

“I hear you,” he started, nodding. “You meant well, and she didn’t see that or believe that. We’ve talked about how we can’t control other people’s perceptions, and we need to respect that, but I also understand how frustrating that can feel.”

He paused. “If you could do it again… what would you do differently?”

Alexander simply shrugged in response to Teddy's question. "Is there even a different way to handle it?" he queried, finally glancing up to meet the other man's gaze. "You make a mistake, and someone decides it's unforgivable. You lose the only almost friend you had, and when you try to make amends, you end up getting attacked by a group of girls and suspended from school," he recounted with a hint of bitterness in his tone. "So can we get that last part over with already?"

Teddy couldn’t help the small smile that unfurled, and he reached up to touch his lips, shaking his head while saying, “There are a few other ways to go about it.”

He dropped his hand. “Let’s break this down. You went to apologize. I believe you when you say you meant it, and you were genuine. But you were apologizing for crossing a boundary with someone, correct? And it sounds like Kane set another boundary and said to leave her alone, but you stayed. Do you see why that might have been upsetting?” He put his hands up, “Now I’m with you, it would have been lovely for her to accept. But think about someone who has hurt you. And if they apologized and you weren’t ready to forgive, and they got mad at you for not accepting that apology… how would you feel?”

Maybe this would work, walking him through it.

Alexander stared at Lupin with a blank expression, his mind racing as he processed the words that flowed out of Teddy's mouth. "I don't know," he answered, his voice barely above a whisper. He gave another shrug, unsure of how to respond to the question. No one had ever apologized to him before, or even shown any sign of caring. It was a foreign concept to him, one that left him feeling confused and vulnerable.

"No one's ever tried," Alexander said, his gaze flickering away from Teddy's. He felt a sense of shame wash over him as he spoke, as if he was revealing too much. Why was he talking to him about this?

Teddy's face softened sympathetically, a knowing look sharpening his eyes as he took in that context. The more he spoke with him, the more he understood the behavior as less of malice and more out of... not knowing better. Empathy, after all, was a learned skill.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said. "It sounds like there are probably people who owe you an apology then, and one that's so long overdue. Personally, if someone took too long to apologize to me, or did so when I was still upset, I might not accept it. I might not want to. And because apologies are for the people who were hurt, it's important to respect that they might not accept it and that's okay."

"For example," he continued. "If someone has hurt you and they apologized right now, having not done it before, and you weren't ready... wouldn't it be unfair if they got mad you weren't ready?"

Alex squirmed in his seat, feeling uneasy and unsure of how to respond. "I don't want your sympathy," he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. He wanted nothing more than to escape this place, to run away from the emotions that were overwhelming him.

Teddy's last question made him think of his parents, and a wave of sadness washed over him. Would he ever forgive them if they magically appeared, saying they were sorry and wanted to do better for him?

"I wouldn't accept their apology," he said quietly, a knot forming in his throat. The thought of seeing his parents again, after everything they had done, was almost too much to bear. He had spent so many years trying to move on from the pain they had caused him, and the thought of opening himself up to them again was terrifying.

“Sorry, sympathy is a knee-jerk reaction these days,” Teddy said wryly, clearly not apologetic for his impulse to empathize with the boy, but dipping his head in acknowledgement that Alexander was feeling vulnerable.

He let Alex’s words sink in, sitting between the two of them. Finally, Teddy nodded, saying, “Right. And you’d be under no obligation to accept it… And they could feel upset about that, but it wouldn’t be fair of them to expect you to accept it either.”

He hoped this wasn’t too on the nose. “If you didn’t accept and they refused to leave until you did… how would that make you feel?”

This conversation wasn't just an abstract thought experiment for Alexander; it made him reflect on his own parents. Did he really want them to give him space, even if he threw tantrums and lashed out at them? No, what he truly craved was their affection and attention, but he couldn't forgive them for the years of neglect and abandonment he had endured. "I wouldn't want them to go," he muttered, avoiding Lupin's gaze. He didn't want to reveal his vulnerable thoughts to his teacher. "I'd want them to prove to me that they had changed, that they were going to do better."

Aha.

There we go.

Teddy could see there was something deep happening behind those defensive eyes and he was finding it a lot easier to see Alexander less as a potentially dangerous or unsafe student and instead as a hurting kid desperately crying out for help.

“That last bit I think is what everyone wants,” Teddy affirmed. “Whether or not you want them to give you space or keep trying or never see them again–that’s all part of how you feel at the moment. But more than an apology, people want to see others recognize what they did wrong, feel that it’s wrong, and try to do better.”

They had gotten there. “Now Miss Kane and Miss Whittle and the other girls all said in the future they’d try to do better. They know violence isn’t the right answer. It sounds like you did mean the apology at first but doubled back… Maybe you were feeling a little rejected? Or put on the spot? But if you really meant the apology, maybe you don’t need Maddie to accept it. Maybe you just… need to show you know better and will do better. What do you think?”

As Alex tried to process the overwhelming influx of emotions, he struggled to find the right words to respond to Teddy's question. Being nice and compassionate were not his strong suits, and he felt uneasy in this vulnerable state.

After the girls had ganged up on him, Alex had confided in Kane, his voice barely above a whisper. "I said she liked the attention from me," he admitted, his tone hushed and hesitant. "It was after she hit me, and Jack went flying over the table. Then she did that crazy thing, jumping off the table like that." Alex's gaze fell to his fidgeting hands, his discomfort palpable. "I guess I was a little angry." he couldn't decide if Teddy was right about needing Maddie to forgive him or not. He just wanted things to go back the way they had been with Lily, working next to each on potions, not really friends, but it was nice to have someone to talk to.